from 2010 to 2014 Richard Cobbett Wrote Crapshoot, a column about rolling dice to bring random obscure games back to light. This week, the beasts may have gone ship by two, hooray, hooray, but only one can be past the finish line in this arcade racer.
Believe it or not, everyone knows the story of Noah’s ark in one way or another. Oddly, people rarely reveal what happened next—the part where the water receded, and to celebrate, God and Noah throw a sad game day that makes Death Race 2000 look like Super Mario Kart.
That’s canon, isn’t it? huh? Oh, is that so. well there are cannons Included, if that helps.
there should be Some Nice, really sensible Bible-themed games out there. Statistically speaking, they may not all be as dull and educational as our previous friends Captain Bible and The You Testament. As you’ve probably guessed, zoo races aren’t going to break the trend.
(Not least because it wouldn’t be funny enough to include it here, obviously.)
Before we get into the game, I’ll better answer the inevitable question: Why choose another biblical game, you jerk? I’ve prepared a quick clip to explain. Look at it with your pitiful human eyes.
I believe that’s about to cover it.
Zoo Race isn’t just one of the weirdest biblical games ever, but one of the weirdest games I’ve ever seen – no qualifications required. As far as I can tell, it is genuine in its devotion, but that doesn’t matter. Not when you’ve seen that swirling horse, and realized it’s absolutely nothing.
This week’s crapshoot will be a little shorter than usual, for the simple reason that I can tell you The Zoo Race, but I can just show you a video on the grounds that otherwise, you might think I was joking. For even more proof, you can also do download shareware version-Although watch out for the launcher that is trying to deluge your system with more shit that God once threw at Job.
The Zoo Race is so weird that it doesn’t have a plot. It has two. In the official story, which quotes one of the biblical versions and then finally deals with itself… I quote:
After the Great Flood, Noah and the Beast were overjoyed to be chosen to live on Earth. Noah then announced the start of the festive games. Noah’s sons built a racetrack and then encouraged the animals to run in them.
Extremely. Coincidentally those animals include a pig in a top hat named Priscilla, an apparently Viking rhinoceros, a cougar called a Cain rocking a pirate hat, and a tiger called Tamar, who is simply called “Lovely”. ” is called. The full version gives each of them a unique world, but shareware only offers one, Caves of Cain, and… wait. This is a biblical game for children, and one of its characters is said to be Can? Wasn’t Judas the Jackrabbit available? At least the race announcers don’t say “On your points!”
Speaking of the announcer, I’m not quite sure who he is. It must be either God or Noah, simply because it cannot be one of his sons and everyone else in the whole world is dead. Either way, there’s no doubt that Noah has a potentially literal hell of a lot to explain.
Before I tell you about some specific things in Shareware Map, I want to draw your attention to the reassuring message of this screen. on the flag. you saw him right there.
Seems pretty harmless, doesn’t it? Correct. Well it is What awaits at the top of that same ramp.
And that past? Crushed Death Walls! There is no point in showing them, as they just look like blocks in the screenshot. Around the next corner though… guess what! If you thought “one of the sons of Noah is throwing exploding barrels!”, you’re right! And the works of your mind worry me! Awesome!
Some versions of the story of Noah’s ark say that after the flood, he and his family gave thanks by offering burnt offerings. I don’t think they were referring to it.
Nor do I suspect that it was the jets of fire and the lava pit in the next room, or the cannons used to shoot the animals through the air. If The Zoo Race is anything to go by, it’s that their experiences with the whole Ark thing gave Noah and his sons such amazing PTSD that they immediately devoted all of their carpentry skills to creating a bestial version of Saw. How else can you explain this—a hall of plate glass panels forcing animals to escape, most of which turn into concrete walls when hit?
But you want to see it in action, right? of course you do. And you’re in luck! Not only does a clip follow, showing the racing, it also includes the full version of The Zoo Race’s…uh…second story. In this one, the whole thing is so boring a librarian’s dream, she actually suggests that one of her visitors go and read a dictionary. If this sounds boring, don’t worry! Soon, it gets incredibly scary!
On the other hand, we learn that the announcer is actually meant to be God. Hannah and her friend Reuben have a bit of a fight over whether having an almighty power over the universe is just enough qualification for that job, and trust me when I say it takes a while. Serious Chutzpah to these actors for even reading those lines into a microphone.
After that, everyone magically turns into animals! And they race! because I do not know.
If you just want to watch the racing, skip to 4:13 for an exciting montage. Leave the rest though, and you’ll see output values that sum Mortal Kombat: The Journey Begins Till shame
And I do not take such compliments lightly.
Greatest racing game ever? Ignore graphics, physics, track design, premise and everything else that could be rated either objectively or thematically, and I don’t see how one can argue. Here the text ends. Go in peace to play something better. That, ah, probably won’t be too hard.